Dearest Nathan,
Panic attacks. I'd had one once, maybe twice in my life up until this point and now I know them as well as I know myself. They're like an old friend, that you don't really like but that just won't go away. If I count out of order, that helps. The brain simply cannot panic and count out of order at the same time:
1.....2.....3....5......7......11......
1......2......3.....5.....7........11......
1......2......3.....5.....7........11......
Then following that, I remind myself to just keep breathing, in and out. I never thought I'd have to remind myself to do something that's meant to be innate within a human being.
Just keep breathing. In, out, in, out. Just keep breathing.
Just keep breathing. In, out, in, out. Just keep breathing.
Just keep breathing. In, out, in, out. Just keep breathing.
Honestly, these things are easier said than done and frankly there are many things I'd just soon not do anymore because even if they don't elicit a panic attack in the moment, they do later. Usually at night while I am laying alone in bed going over the hours, minutes, and seconds of the day. All spent without you.
3 months and 2 days. 93 total days. 2,232 hours. 133,920 minutes. 8,035,200 seconds. 8,035,200,000 nanoseconds. All spent without you. And all years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, and nanoseconds following will continue to be spent without you. I will never smile and laugh with you again. I will never have a new memory or picture of you and the worst part? Neither will our kids. We are part of a club we never wanted to be a part of and one that we'd gladly revoke membership People don't understand the pain that comes with that. They try but they can't. They can't even begin to imagine. Hell, even another widow can't really understand. Don't get me wrong, they understand the loss and the heartbreak that comes with losing your spouse, but they simply cannot relate entirely unless they have been widowed in such a horrifically traumatic and unexpected way. There is a reason that suicide grief is called complicated grief and there's just no understanding it unless you're in it's ugly grip. Even if a person loved your loved one they can't understand your pain because their world keeps going eventually while yours is 100 percent altered and likely stopped. Even when you're not living in the horrendous night that changed everything, you're living in it. Even when I appear fine, I can almost promise that some part of me is still living and stuck in the hours of November 06, 2016. I can't leave the day. Not permanently. It's a part of that traumatic grief I told you about earlier and the PTSD that usually engulfs the griever. The PTSD that consumes me in quiet moment that most people would find peaceful.
If nothing else, I have learned that there are many things that you should not say to a widow and they are what people say to them eighty percent of the time.
1. You're still young, you can/will remarry. You'll find love again.
I realize people mean well when they say this. They don't want you to be alone. They don't want you to be sad. The fact is though, I know I'm young and I know I probably could remarry. However, I also know that I don't WANT to remarry. I had a great man and even in his flaws, he was the love of my life and my best friend. I know it's hard for most people to grasp but I want to remain his wife for the rest of my days. What we had can not be replicated or replaced and it cannot be forgotten. If I were to move on, especially hastily it would be doing a disservice to what I shared with you. It would be unfair to my heart and the heart of the new man because they would always be second fiddle and frankly, they'd know they were ONLY in my life because you had died.
Now this might not be true for all widow/widowers, many want to move on and that's good. They should, but this still shouldn't be said, because it's likely that in the moment that it's being said they are neither ready nor thinking about the possibility and it just adds to the pain and even pressure that comes with the loss. Besides that, saying you'll find love again is like suggesting that spouses come and go quickly and easily as if they're Chinese takeout and even more than that you're telling someone they'll find love again when they're already in love,it didn't just go away when their spouse died.
2. You have children.
Duh. I am well aware that I have children. Any widow or widower that has children knows that they have them. I lost you not my memory. I am never even sure why they're saying this. If they're trying to tell me that I have to be strong for them, they're stating the obvious. I will do what I do what I have to in order to ensure that they are cared for and loved. If they're stating it as if I should be counting them as a blessing, I am just rolling my eyes. I know they are blessings. I am thankful for them. It doesn't change the grief in my heart.
3. At least he's not suffering anymore.
Yep. They're right, you're not suffering anymore. I am glad you are no longer mentally anguished, but they saying that doesn't change anything for me. The common saying in suicide is that it doesn't end your pain, it simply hands it over to someone else and that's completely accurate. You're not in pain. You are whole and you are healed and being loved on by Jesus and your mom and I am thankful for that. But I am irrevocably broken. I am immersed in grief and pain. You may not be suffering, which I am happy for, but I am suffering and I am not happy about that.
4. He wouldn't want you to be sad.
Again, they're not wrong. You would not want me to be sad. You did everything you could to ensure that I was happy and you always said that you could feel my pain when I was upset. You would not want me to be sad, but the fact of the matter is that I am human and if I wasn't sad that you were gone, I'd have to question if what we shared was legitimate. You would not want me to be sad but you would understand why I was and you wouldn't belittle those feelings or tell me that I was wrong for having them.
5. Everything happens for a reason.
This is probably one of my least favorite death cliche I've had said to me. Everything does not happen for reason. We live in a fallen world and this fact allows for bad things to happen. Sometimes there is no reason that something happened other than that we have free will. This did not happen for a reason. There is no reason that you should have died and that we have to live lives without you now. There is no reason that you won't be there to watch our kids graduate or get married or to enjoy our grandkids. There is no reason for any of this but God will bring good from this pain. He always brings good from the ashes, even the ashes that didn't have a reason.
6. Keep praying God will heal your pain.
This is inaccurate. It's meant to bring comfort, but it's simply not true. He might lessen my pain. He might make it more bearable and he will help me to carry it, but he may NOT heal it. People don't like it when I respond with this, but it's factual. There is no promise that my pain will be healed in this lifetime. There is only a promise that in Heaven it will be healed. Just look at people with cancer, they aren't always healed. In fact, often they are not healed. And emotional pain is no different. Some things are meant to be carried and endured not healed. I rest in the fact that someday, when I find myself in Heaven, in the arms of Jesus, my heart will be whole and healed and the emotional pain I carried here on earth will no longer be mine.
7. I know how you feel.
No, they don't, unless they are a suicide widow yourself. They might be able to imagine. They might even have an idea of how I feel, but they certainly do not know. That said, I think people mean well and are trying to find ways to relate to me within an unrelatable situation.
8. When I got divorced......
No. Not the same. Not even close. Divorce hurts. It's loss. It sucks. It's still not the same, I wish that people would stop comparing the two.
9. Be kind to yourself/take it easy/rest.
While that is a nice thought and I know people mean well, it;s really not helping my situation. I can't rest or take it easy or be kind to myself. I have two children, a dog, and a house that still need taking care of. I'd love a vacation to just grieve. I'd love to ignore everything else, but I don't have that luxury and I have little people depending on me.
10. At least your bills are paid off
I think people are under the impression that everyone has a whole lot of money stashed away and that everyone's spouse has life insurance. We had neither. I was blessed by our community and was able to pay off some debt and get on my feet, but this is a ridiculous thing to say and assume. I know many widows, particularly those widowed by suicide that were left with massive debt and a house entering foreclosure.
11. God needed another angel
Again, people are trying to bring about comfort. Unfortunately what they're saying is absolutely inaccurate theology. God created the angels to be his servants. They are spiritual beings meant to do his will. While on earth we are beneath the angels. However, once we are in Heaven, we will be held higher than the angels. 1 Corinthians 6:3 is a good example of this. You did not die because he needed an angel. You died because you had pain and suffering and made a choice. You died because we have free will within a fallen world.
12. How are you
If I told people how I really was they wouldn't know what to say or do. It's not something I can or will answer truthfully and it's not something they really want the answer to. It's a nicety and not a helpful one.
13. It sucks that you have two kids, it'll be hard to get remarried now
It doesn't suck that I have our kids. It's hard and exhausting and I cry sometimes that I have them on my own. It would be easier if I didn't have them, but I am not sorry that I do. I also don't want to remarry and frankly I don't need to get remarried. I wanted to do this with you. Since I can't do it with you, I will do it on my own, and I am perfectly capable of doing so.
14. How long are you going to grieve or when are you going to go back to normal
I don't know. I am going to grieve for as long as it takes, but I can tell you that I won't go back to "normal" or to "who i was before". Your death has changed everything. I've had to find a new normal, something different than anything else I've ever had. Your death has changed me, I am not the same and I never will be.
15. I can't believe he left you like that
Well, you did. However, I don't think you were thinking when you did it. If you had been you wouldn't have left me. They may not be able to believe it but it doesn't change that you're gone and the fact that you're gone changes nothing for me. I still love you as much as I did before you died. I simply miss you now when I didn't have to before.
16. What did you miss
I didn't miss anything. You had no signs. We talked all the time, about everything. I don't think you planned this. I think something happened in the moment and you made an irreversible and extremely impulsive decision. I don't think that there were signs and even if there were, them saying that makes it seem like this was my fault and the fact is that it wasn't. You made your choice, I didn't make it for you and the fact is that if it had been my choice, things would have gone in an entirely different way.
17. Aren't you so mad at him
No. Like I said above, I don't think you planned this. I think you were upset and you were always a bit impulsive when emotional. I don't think you were malicious or trying to hurt me. You made a choice and it sucks, but I could never be angry at you for it.
18. It could be worse
People that say this are making grief seem excessive. My grief is not excessive and not only that but loss isn't really quantifiably measurable. Maybe it seems like things could be worse to you. Maybe you think you've suffered worse, but to me this is as bad as it gets.
19. It'll get better in time
Grief doesn't have a time line. A loss like this becomes a part of a person. Losing you has become a part of me. It may get easier to bear, but it won't ever go away. I will always miss you, I will always grieve you, and it will always hurt that you're not with me the way that you should be. It's not a broken leg, it doesn't just heal and go away.
20. You're so strong.
For the love of everything that is still good in this world. I wish people would stop saying this. I am not strong. I am simply surviving and moving through life because I don't have any other choice. To that people say, you do have a choice, but no I don't because the only other option is to end my own life, I can't put that pain on anyone nor can I leave my children that way. They need me. I am not strong, I am simply doing what has to be done.
So many things I never thought I'd hear, that I didn't want to hear, and that I still don't want to hear. This is a life I neither wanted nor thought I'd have. All I know for sure is that I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
