A dizzying amount of unanswerable questions....

Dearest Nathan,

It's been almost four months and this still doesn't always feel real.  I still look at pictures and wonder where you've gone and why it's been so long since I've last seen you.  Not in a demented sort of way, but in the sort of way where you know something is true but are having trouble convincing yourself that it's actually reality.   I still have moments where I wonder when you'll text me back or think that maybe tonight will be the night that you walk in and tell me it was all just a misunderstanding.  You'll beg me to forgive you for the pain that this caused and I will and we will go back to the life we were always meant to have.  I know that you are gone.  I have accepted that you are gone.  It's just that sometimes, some days...like today it just feels like I am living someone else's life.  I miss you so much it knocks the breath clear out of me sometimes.

I've grown accustomed to missing you. It is something that is always with me.  Something that has become just as much a part of me as a limb.  It is something that has come as easily to me as loving you did and I think that that in and of itself is a testament to exactly that, the ease to and depth of the love that we shared.  I hope you knew that I loved you in every moment, even in the hard moments or the moments where I struggled to like you, I still loved you.  I think you did, but if for some reason you did not,  I know that you know now and I am glad of that.  I am accustomed to all of this and I have mostly accepted that this will never go away.

I have also accepted that though I may live to old age, it is likely that the cause of death will still ultimately be heartbreak. I suppose this is what happens when someone means so much for so many years and then is ripped from your life in such a sudden and traumatic way. I have learned how to get through life, and though it may not be great or happy, I am surviving.

However, I have recently purchased a home (thanks to you) and I should close this week or next and instead of being happy, I am wishing you were here and am feeling a tremendous amount of sadness You should be here.  We should be planning how to decorate the kids room together and you should be gushing about how excited you are about not only having a garage but a two car garage.  We should be discussing BMX races and how Sawyer starts preschool next year and instead I am here alone, forced to navigate all of this by myself and that is not happy.  It is sad.  So so sad.   I know that  these feelings are all normal, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

I really want the life we had back.  I keep going over it all in my head.  All the happy moments and even the not so happy moments.   We had a few of the latter but we always came out of those stronger better more in love.  What could possibly have been so bad that you thought that the only way out was this.  Was leaving me.  Leaving the kids.  I will NEVER understand and frankly I doubt they will either.  I am not mad at you.   I just wish I didn't have so many questions.  So many questions that make me sick to my stomach and dizzy with wonder.  I just wish I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life asking questions that I'll never have answered.

The only answers I have are that I never expected this.  I never wanted this.  I still don't want this.  I will never stop loving you.  This wasn't the life we should have had. I miss you.  The kids miss you.  And unfortunately I think those are the only answers I will ever have.


Until we see you in Heaven.  We miss you.  We love you.

Always,
Jess