It was there that I found out rock bottom had a basement. I don't think many people realize this, but I lingered in that basement for a while until I very clearly heard God whisper, "sweet daughter, I will carry you and eventually I will hold your hand and walk beside you, but you must carry on."

I still can't believe it's been almost half a year since my whole life changed from what it was, and what I thought it was going to be. Looking back, I try not to think about that night, but even still I sometimes try to rationalize with the days leading up. I frequently ask myself a number of rhetorical questions outloud; why , did I miss the signs, could a head injury have really contributed so drastically, and most importantly, how could you leave all of this, especially two kids and crazy Brittany to me to deal with alone?

I remember the last meal I made for you. I remember the last meal you made for me and I remember what you were supposed to cook that night but never had the opportunity.  I remember your last  laugh, it's gut wrenching now. I remember our final conversation and how your last day of work went, I remember the last set of plans that we made that never happened. I remember the last time I watched you play bass and hold the kids,  and I remember a number of other things that I won't bother mentioning here.

What I don't remember is how our last fight started or even the last time I saw you cry, which is surreal because you were always free with your emotions with me and let's be real I used to remember everything to the point that I could regurgitate everything you and I ever said word for word. I'm sure you're tired of watching me weep, but the hills on the rocky road of loss can be tiresome, lonely, and hard to navigate alone.

At one point, closer to the beginning of this journey but still not the very start, I will admit that I found myself in a very dark place. It was there that I found out rock bottom had a basement. I don't think many people realize this, but I lingered in that basement for a while until I very clearly heard God whisper, "sweet daughter, I will carry you and eventually I will hold your hand and walk beside you, but you must carry on."

Getting up and showering and eating and taking care of anything that's not our children is still challenging some days. I am still lonely and I still cry and I still struggle to navigate a great many of these grief mountains but I have found by continuing to do so daily, Jesus has begun to make His grace very obviously present through the people new and old that he's placed in my life and He showers me with not only his presence but with yours.

Your scent will randomly linger somewhere, you visit my dreams, and I have been given many blessings, in both the large things like buying a house and in the small things like Sawyer's continuing talk of memories shared with you and in our sweet daughter's eyes remaining the blue of yours, He and you are EVERYWHERE.

I know now that I can not let your passing define me, but rather I must let it remind me how short life truly is. So dance every chance I get, walk in the moon light, and most importantly LOVE. Love everything and extend grace to everyone even in the ugly moments. And I can use your passing to make a difference in the world. I can allow Jesus to use me and your passing to bring beauty from the ashes

I have walked  through the valley of the shadow of death  and I have survived through Jesus. I am still walking it some days but I am walking it with Jesus and I will hold that small bit of fortitude in my heart. I read a quote once, it said "It took me a while to realize but the little box of darkness you left me in the end,it to was a gift" and Nathan, although what we shared ended in darkness, given the opportunity, I'd still choose it every time because you and what we had was a gift.

 So, sweet love,  you keep the coffee hot and the fire burning because  we have alot to talk about when I get to Heaven. In the meantime, I will live here and I will live in a way that keeps your memory alive and untarnished.  I love you and I forgive you. I promise to own every moment and to teach our babies to do the same, to cling to Jesus, to  start moving forward and to be open to every opportunity, situation, and relationship that is made available to me. I will be gracious to everyone and I will do my best to respond to every situation whether good, bad, or ugly in love while still standing up for myself since you're not here to do it for me anymore.

Oh and remember the Einstein debate, E = MC2.. You were right.. It's only time and space between us.. ❤️💔

Happy Easter, we miss you 😘