Happy birthday

Nathan,

I posted on Facebook and Instagram for you on the 8, but forgot to put it here which is why this seems late. 

Today would be your thirty first birthday and the second one you’ve spent in heaven, the second we’ve been without you. 

This isn’t the way it should have been. I should have woken you up at midnight to make sure I was first to say happy birthday. I remember the night of your last birthday, laying with my head on your chest listening to your heart beat, you sighing contently and talking sleepily about how your next birthday we would be a family of four and you couldn't wait. In that moment I fell in love with you all over again. 

I hope you knew in life that you didn't just have my heart, you were my heart. I loved you more than anything else. I was so proud of the man that you were and no matter what anyone else thought or said I was so proud to be your wife. I still am.  I guess I  find comfort in that if you did not know then, you know now. 

I wish that you were here celebrating with us. I wish I could watch you play with the kids. I wish we were planning to our next family vacation. Most of all I wish you were here to hug me. To tell me that you love me. To reassure me that I am a good Mama and that everything will be okay.  I guess everything is okay though isn’t it? We breathe now without having to think about it and we laugh and we smile and play, most of the time more than we cry and we do it in your memory. We hold our memories and they bring more joy than pain now and I am thankful for the time I had with you even if I still wish it was more. 

I talked to one of your friends recently and he told me one of your favorite stories, too much to drink and a donut shop. I think your friends think about you as much as we do and that makes my heart happy too. I think it would make you happy to realize you mattered more than you ever realized. 

We miss you. Hug my mom for me. Hug your mom and the rest of our family members for me.  Enjoy celebrating with them and with Jesus. I can't wait for the day we are reunited. 

The kids and I, your family, and many of your friends.... we all love you. We miss you. Forever. 

Happy birthday, Baby. 

https://youtu.be/DVzDXZHhUNg

"Just because you're gone doesn't mean that I've moved on. I still love you just