Three weeks.....

To Nathan with Love,

I am grateful for the time that I had with you. I just wish I had, had more. These days are hard. Harder than anything else I've faced in my life. I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of my body and that I was robbed of the forever I thought we had. Our story wasn't over, but I also don't feel like it had an ending either. It got stopped in the middle and won't ever be added to. It's a gut wrenching feeling. One that's difficult to explain.

I have moments where I want to climb into bed and never get out. Cry until I can't anymore and pray that God will just take me to be with you.  People try but no one really understands until they've lost someone in such a sudden and traumatic way.   They don't understand that you walk around in a haze, trying to make sense of what you know probably won't ever make sense. You replay everything and go over all the things that you could have and should have done differently and had you known, you would have.  Those days are the worst.

And then there are days when I laugh and then feel guilty because I should still be devastated. Ive realized in the last three weeks that I am devastated. Consumed with grief that is sometimes replaced with fleeting moments of peace before another wave comes and knocks the breath clear out of me.  I probably won't ever be anything but this. This will likely be my new normal , but I have two kids and they need to see me smile and know that even in the midst of despair there's always a reason to keep going.  They are my reason.

They need me not only because I am their mom but because I knew their dad in a way that no one else did. I saw the quiet moments that you spent with them, staring at their little faces while they slept drinking them in as if to memorize their every feature. I saw the pride when you spoke of them or taught them something new and I am the one who knows how much you sacrificed and were still willing to sacrifice for their good. I am the one who shared secret laughs with you and who loved the way your genuine smile lit up the room. I am the one who knew the pain you carried and who knew your sensitive heart best. They need me to share that with them.

And someday when they are MUCH older and they ask questions that I don't want to have to answer they and your memories need me to tell them how much you loved Jesus and that you were fearless in sharing that. They will need to know what a warrior you were. How hard you fought through any adversity tossed your direction. They will need me to tell them that it's okay to hurt and to fall apart but that they aren't ever alone and they and you need me to ensure that they know how much you loved them. That this had nothing to do with them. That you were a warrior and you fought and you did not lose, you simply needed a rest and that you because of your faith are resting with Jesus cheering them on.

I love you. I miss you. Forever.

Jess