It’s been one year but it feels both shorter and longer...

I kept thinking words would come. Words that would somehow adequately describe what I was feeling. I am a writer. I maintain a blog. Words ALWAYS come. They come even when I don’t want them to. This time though, this time they never came. 

There are simply not words to covey how in one year everything has changed. Everything is different. And yet, in its difference, it is still immensely painful.  Grief always meets me in the quiet dark of the night but now I don’t run from it. I embrace it like an old friend. I remind myself that the amount of pain I carry with me is a testament to the great love we shared. 

Everything is different. Aria-Lyn is crawling and talking and Sawyer is in school and acts like a teenager some days. Everything is different. I can smile and go out to spend time without friends without being smothered by guilt. I can talk about you and though sometimes I still cry I think of you with so much joy at the happiness you filled my life with. 

Everything is different and yet nothing has changed. You are still the last thing I think of at night and the first I think of in the morning. I still miss you so much my heart physically aches.  I still wish you could somehow come back and say it was all a mistake. Sawyer still talks about you all the time and asks me to watch ninja turtles and power rangers like you used to and Aria still won’t ever have a true memory of her own. Everything has changed and yet nothing has. This still is the worst pain I’ve experienced and the most awful hand I think our children will ever be dealt. 

Sunday we went to the cemetery with your sister and it was a nice moment to share with her. We went back yesterday.  Tahnya made me the sweetest gift in your memory and she took you a red rose and got me one to match. It may be one of my most treasured gifts. It equals that the thumbprint necklace and the wreath are. 

 We laughed and ate junk food (so many of your favorites), drank some wine (I know you think we should have had beer instead), we listened to Chevelle at exactly 8:04 PM (I know it made you smile) and have decided to dub the day “Nathan’s day.” It sounds much less grim than the anniversary of your death and some how helps us to smile a little more. 

You’d be so happy that Lindsey, Chera, and Tahnya were there for us yesterday along with so many more friends and family members who took time to text, message, and call to check on us.  You’d be so glad that so many of these same people continue to love and be there for us on a daily basis.

I am thankful you know what a treasure you are. What a great man you were. 

Until we see you again. 

We love you. We miss you. Forever.