sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in second, somewhere between awake and asleep - where dreams could still be real and you could still be here.

Dearest Nathan.

It's been so long since I've written.  Two months, nearing three.  I didn't mean to let so much time pass but I also didn't want to write, but I was accused of only writing and talking and remembering you for attention and as wrong as it was, it still stung and made me both mad and sad all at once and suddenly I didn't care if anyone else remembered you.  I didn't care if we raised awareness.  I didn't care.  I only cared that you were remembered by me and by our children and  I wanted to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself where they were safe from ridicule and where no one could ever possibly tarnish the memories I have of you.  But then today I realized something very important.  I don't care what people think, and I want to say your name, and I want the world to know that you're not only remembered but that you were important and that you were loved - are loved and you wouldn't want me to take anyone's incorrect opinions of my motives to heart anyway.  I remember.

You were the one. From the day we started dating, I knew you were the one.  Maybe I had even known in high school when we were just friends. We started dating. We moved in together. We lived. We were happy. That's the kicker... we were happy.  Despite the problems, and the heartache from various things both past and at the time, present, we were happy or at least i thought we were happy.

And then you killed yourself.

It was a cool evening in early November, but despite being cool it was warmer than usual. It was a Sunday, we had argued the day before but that day had been good with no real cause for any sort of concern- we had spent the day with my family and some close family friends, he had met my biological mother’s best friend and we had laughed and shared stories and good conversation. It wasn’t how we spent most sundays but it also wasn’t out of the ordinary. Just a regular lazy sunday - family and then to the grocery store and making plans with friends for the following week, and preparing for the monday work day, the same way sundays had been for as long as I can remember.

When we got home you started acting weird, but I didn’t think it was anything too serious.  I told you to go take a breather, so you didn’t worry Sawyer.  I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight had I known that would be the last time I would ever talk to you.  I would have said so many more things to you.  So many things.  

I remember taking the kids side and setting them down.  I remember you getting into the work van.  I remember you yelling and looking to see what happened.  You had a gash on your head, but I figured I’d get the kids settled in and then go check on you.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have left the kids and checked on you immediately but I guess what they say is true.  Hindsight is nearly always 20/20.  

The gun went off.  I was screaming like a banshee.  The neighbors scooped me and the kids up and rushed us into their house.  The police showed up at around eight o' clock.  The cops asked a lot of questions.  The broke the window to the van, there was no other way to get to you.  They tried to resuscitate you.  I’m not stupid, I know that they did this for much longer than they usually do and I know they did it for my benefit and no other reason but that.  I suppose that’s what happens when you know so many police officers and firefighters.  Everything was so slow motion.  I remember talking to Tahnya and my parents and to Lindsey and to Cory, and the lady was that called Jenn.

I don't really remember much more after that. I know that the officer was trying to put off telling me you were dead and even the knew, I still made him tell me before I would answer any of his questions. I called my parents, my sister, Tahnya, Lindsey, and Cory.  I don’t know how your family knew they needed to come but they came and they all hugged me and told me they were sorry, but they didn’t realize that no one would ever be as sorry as I was.  I don’t remember most of what I said to anyone or the names of the police officers or the name of the lady who called Jenn. I don’t remember so many things.

But I do remember watching you die when I ran outside and feelings it in my heart the moment you left this earth.  I remember the old man across the street asking me if I was okay and yelling back no and pleading with them to call 911.  I remember not understanding how you could leave me and more importantly how you could leave the kid.  I remember picking out photographs for the obituary and for the service.  I remember picking sunflowers and carnations and your red guitar - the same guitar you used the first time you ever played for me. I remember the red shirt you were wearing that night and making plans to have dinner with Linds the following tuesday. And most of all I remember what you smelled like, what your laugh sounds like how you smiled first thing in the morning when Sawyer climbed into the bed. I remember the small scar on your hand from tile work and the way your kisses tasted like Five peppermint gum.

I remember all of it. Just like it happened yesterday. 

That was almost 15 months ago. I'm still trying to work through things. We seem like we have it all together and that we have mastered our new normal but Sawyer and I still haven't quite adjusted to life without you. I don't know if we’ve really had the chance, mostly because it’s chaotic with two kids and two dogs and two fish and only one parent. I still talk to and about you often, even if talking to you really means just talking to your picture hanging on my bedroom wall - the one that everyone signed at the service.  Sawyer still talks about you all the time and smiles when he sees your picture.  He likes to talk about his memories and reminds me often that you’re still with us and you’re happy.  Tahnya and Lindsey still talk about you too and Peyton loved and misses you so much she wanted to take on of your things to show and tell to talk about her Uncle Nathan.   I truly believe that you are  the first man I ever really loved, everyone that came before you - I cared for them, I wanted to love them, but I didn’t feel for them the way I felt for you.  You were the first man I ever truly gave my heart too, the first man I ever loved with my whole being and somewhere in my heart I'll always love you. Always.  No matter where life takes me.

So many of my friends are scattered across the country, in some cases the world and so sometimes we go a long time without talking- but we're all still tied together somehow.  They’re all doing their own things. Getting married, having families of their own, living life by their rules.  I am so happy for them, but sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in second, somewhere between awake and asleep - where dreams could still be real and you could still be here. I move through life slowly, but with purpose. I try to do my best. To make sure our kids know of the man you were and remember how you cared for them and for me.   To hope for good and know that love is real. 

Because I remember.