#endthestigma

Dearest Nathan, 

Well it happened. I got sick. Thankfully not the flu, but anything is bad when you're the single parent to two small babies. I always knew how much you did and even with all my flaws and all the things that probably made me a not so great wife sometimes, I did try to tell you daily that I appreciated you.  I knew how much you did and yet I really had no idea. I took the little things for granted like the way you rubbed my back nearly daily, always asked if I needed you to stop at the store for anything before you came home, told me I looked beautiful even when I actually looked homeless and so much more. I took for granted all the things we expect our spouse to do like help with the kids. I took it for granted and now that I am alone and doing it all by myself, I know that you really were my rock. 

I will survive like I have every single day since you left me. I will cry and I will miss you and I will curse at God before immediately regretting that last one and apologizing. I will survive but I will struggle even more than usual because illness as a single parent really drags you down particularly when coupled with soul crushing despair. 

I think people often assume I'm over it. I'm no longer grieving because I can hold myself together in front of MOST people now, I have some peace about what happened although it's sometimes fleeting, and I've managed to take care of business and do it fairly quickly.  What they don't realize is that I'm not over it. I'm still consumed with grief I've just mastered surviving for the sake of our children. This is something I won't ever really be over. 

Ironically, in the weeks since your death, a campaign has started called End the Stigma.  I had mixed emotions about it for all of ten minutes before realizing that this is exactly what I've been ranting about for nearly two months.   I went back and forth about making my own collage before realizing I had to because I've been harping on stigma for two months minus two days.  How can I scream END THE STIGMA if I'm too scared to practice what I preach, especially since I believe that had mental Illness and suicide not been stigmatized so badly that you would still be here. 

I put the collage below. Some like the migraines (which in my case should actually say ice pick headaches) apply to only me, some apply only to you like the bipolar, and some apply to both of us like the depression.  Some of these that apply to me have come into play since you died, like the insomnia. Some have always been there, others have always been there but are worse now.  Regardless, we should be talking about them. You and I were taking about them but I don't think I let myself accept how much you may have been suffering. I didn't want to see it and honestly I don't think I really thought this would happen. Not to you.  Now, in hindsight, I believe we should have been talking about them more. We should have talked about them too much to anyone who would listen.

Hindsight is always 20/20. 

Anyway, I love you. I miss you. Forever. 

Always,

Jess