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Thursday, January 5, 2017

I close my eyes and remember everything good and that makes things briefly for a minute, however short or long that minute may actually last.

Dearest Nathan,

Today there are no words.  Today all that there is, is remembrance.  Remembrance that I love you.  There is remembrance and reminders.    Everything is a reminder of our time together.  All of the years of our friendship and our time dating and our time in marriage.  I am reminded of both the good and that bad and I am thankful for all of it.  I am thankful for the good, the bad, and even the ugly.  I am thankful because even when things were messy at least they were with you.  At least you were here. Reminders of all the plans we had that were never able to come to fruition.  I am reminded and I am thankful, but I am also reminded that I miss you.

Today I have no words, but I have exhaustion and longing.  Longing to have you back to hug me and tell me that everything is okay.  Longing to watch you walk in the door after work and tell me how much you missed us.  Longing to realize all the plans that we had and make them happen.  Longing to see your name show up on my phone because you've sent me a text to tell me that you're thinking of and love me.   To have you call me just because you wanted to hear my voice and longing for you to hold me in bed as we fall asleep at the end of the day.    I long to have you help me with the kids, to have you help me manage life when it's all too much to bear.   I long for morning spent praying and enjoying coffee and evenings spent watching friends and long conversation.  More than that I long for all the little things.   All the little things that I never thought would mean everything to me.

I am searching for a reprieve that I don't think I am ever going to find.  I am searching for you, in all the places that I know that you are not.   It's a hard life, the life of a widow because it's nearly impossible to get your heart to accept what you brain knows to be true and because the heart won't accept it, then sometimes it tricks the brain into believing for a moment...often a fleeting moment, but a moment nevertheless that maybe it's made a horrible mistake and what it's been made to believe isn't the truth at all.  Then when it comes back to reality the heart is broken all over again.  The life of a widow is painful and it is hard and it is unfair.  It is long and it is dark and so when I feel like I am alone and lost in the dark I close my eyes and remember everything good and that makes things briefly for a minute, however short or long that minute may actually last.

I love you.  I miss you.  Forever.

Always,

Jess

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