Since you passed away, I have learned more about suicide than I ever thought I would know. For instance, I know that Arizona has the thirteenth highest suicide rate within the United States. I know that in our state, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death, and the second highest cause in our age group of between fifteen and thirty four. I also know that white males are more likely than anyone else to die by suicide and that the use of a firearm accounts for fifty percent of these deaths. I know things that if I am honest, I never wanted to know but that your death forced me to realize I needed to know. That everyone should know.
Since you've died I've also been seeing the same post on facebook, shared or posted by various people over and over and over again. It's one of those copy and paste types that you always rolled your eyes at. It says:
"My door is always open, the coffee pot is always on and my sofa is always warm and a place of peace and non-judgement. Any of my family and friends who need to chat are welcome anytime. It's no good suffering in silence. I have cold drinks and wine in the fridge...tea & coffee in the cupboard and I will always be here. You are never not welcome!!
Blue Monday is a name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) reported to be the most depressing day of the year and January the worst month for suicides, it's always good to talk but even better to listen.This hits closer to home than we think. I'll always lend an ear and a shoulder...and my heart.
Could at least one friend, please copy and repost (not share)? I'm trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening."💜
I think the post and the people that post it and likely the person that started it mean well. I also think that in theory it's a wonderful idea. However, in practice, not so much. First of all. it gives inaccurate information which I think could lull people into a false sense of dangerous security when it comes to their family members and friends. January isn't the worst month for suicide. In fact, May is. Summer months have been statistically proven to have a higher rate for suicide than the winter months. And Blue Monday? It's a myth too, founded on nonsensical science. No one really knows where these myths started but most including myself theorize that it has a lot to do with media, take for instance It's a Wonderful Life the main character contemplates taking his life around the holidays. Another thing perpetuating this, may be that because suicide rates are actually the VERY lowest in December, when they start going back up in January, it makes it seem like the rates must be higher than they actually are. Personally I think that people assume that all the happy makes those who may be depressed, focus more on loneliness and so much more, but the opposite tends to be true.
Other than the factual inaccuracies, there is the other paragraph too. It's a sweet gesture. I know people that post it likely mean what it says too, but I don't think it's doing nearly as much good as they think it is. People read things on facebook and scroll right on by. The may read it and scoff at it, they may read it and believe that no one actually means it, or they may read and forget about it. Heck, they may not even read it. Many people that die by suicide are mentally ill. Many, because of the stigma, are ashamed and won't speak up. Some don't realize they're mentally ill and believe that they can handle whatever it is that they're dealing with. They believe that they can carry the pain on their own, they don't want to be a burden. Although I don't believe you planned your death, I do know that you often felt like a burden to people, but you weren't. Especially to me. Not even close and I wish you would have seen that. I also think that you were a true empath and carried the weight of not only your world, but the world of everyone you loved, on your shoulders. You were a sensitive soul and so bright. So amazingly bright. These things were beautiful traits, but traits that I think made you feel and understand things so much more deeply. Particularly pain. I would have carried your pain for you. I would have helped you shoulder all the burdens that you had. I know that you knew that, you told me that you did and that you were thankful, the trouble is that I think you loved me top much to want me to have to do that. I also think you thought you could carry it on your own and to be honest, I don't think, had you seen this post on facebook that night, that you would have reached out. You would have scrolled right passed it and still ended up the same way. I think there are many things that could have saved you. So very many things that just didn't happen that night, but I don't believe a facebook post is one of those things.
You and I had such a connection. One that was full of conversation, conversation that was deep and meaningful. Conversation that included topics like mental illness and even suicide. Conversation that delved deep into the bible and our beliefs. We weren't afraid to be open and honest with each other and I still didn't see this coming and what I have had to accept is this: sometimes, there just aren't any signs. Sometimes, things happen quickly. Sometimes people make snap irrational decisions in a moment that break our hearts. Decisions that simply can't be taken back. These are the faces of suicide and those that are surviving the suicide. We are the faces, we are the faces who showed and saw no signs.
We are proof that sometimes there aren't any signs to be seen. That's hard to accept, but even knowing that, I will say this: that doesn't mean we shouldn't try and be there, but instead of a facebook post, my suggestion is this: reach out. Talk to your friends and family often, but don't just talk. Take the time to truly and fully listen. Ask uncomfortable questions, dig deep. Forge friendships and relationships with your family that go beyond the trivial and the mundane. Always speak in love even when you're not feeling loving. Realize that love is a choice and not simply a feeling. Be kind to everyone you meet, even if they aren't being kind to you. Try even when you don't think it will matter. It will always matter in some way and to someone. Be kind, be nice, be loving.
Anyway, beyond that I am so tired. I am tired of all the posts about people getting married or engaged or having babies. I am not tired of it because I want people to be unhappy. I don't. I am so happy that these people are getting to do all of these amazing things. I am happy that the people that I love have lives filled with so much excitement and joy, but I am tired of seeing it, because it just further reminds me that not only are you gone, but you are gone and won't be returning. The rest of my days will be Nathan-less and that is such a hard pill to swallow after so many years of it being full of you in one way or another. I am tired of many more things, but I will spare you and just say that mostly I am tired of missing you. I am tired of my children missing you. Especially Sawyer. He talks about you all the time and it turns out that for as much as he loves me, I am a poor substitute for you. I don't play with or love him the same way than you did. That's not to say that I do either of those things less, I just don't do them like you and he needed that. He still needs that. He needs you and it breaks my heart that he was jipped of that. It breaks my heart that our little girl was jipped of having any memories at all.
I am tired and I am still searching for my reprieve. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that my only reprieve would be either a.) being in your arms or b.) hugging you and seeing the face of Jesus when he finally comes back. The first won't be happening and the second will happen but I have no idea when. It's another hard pill to swallow. I grieve for my loss and all that comes with it. I miss all the memories and moments, but I also miss the things we never did. The family trips we didn't take. The romantic getaways we didn't share. The actual wedding that never happened, the honeymoon that never came to be. I miss conversations we won't have and holding your hand when we're eighty. I was asked today what my dream destination was....my dream destination is anywhere with you, but really my dream destination is simply your arms.
I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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