Trump is our 45th president. Officially. I know your feelings on this, just as you know mine and thusly I won't bother going into them here. Instead, I will tell you that I have realized through this election process that people are very flippant when it comes to suicide. I don't think I was aware or rather I think I was willfully ignorant to the fact that people throw around the word so casually. Often making light of the subject, easily making jokes about the topic. Things are said like "I can't believe I have to deal with Trump as president for the next four years, I could kill myself." or "I am having the worst day, I am so done with life." or something happens and people easily and likely often without thinking, place their fingers to their head in the form of a gun and pretend to pull the trigger.
I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to believe it was a big deal or maybe I didn't think it was a big deal. Regardless of the reasoning, it is a big deal. A huge deal. And unfortunately I have been forced to reckon myself with the callus nature people have when it comes to this subject. I have been forced to see and come face to face with the ignorance of others and their ability to say things so casually and without thought and I have had to see it because I lost you in this awful manner.
I don't know that I believe people say these things to be cold or hurtful. No, actually, I know I don't believe that people are trying to be cruel, but rather they do not understand suicide and they do not understand the pain that the act inflicts on it's survivors or the torture their triggering comments inflict. They don't know because we are silent about suicide. We are silent about suicide in the same way that we are silent about mental illness. We may not be encouraging the stigma around the two, but we aren't doing much to discourage it and the more I think about that, the more I am discouraged and disheartened I become by it.
The saddest part of suicide is it never affects just one person. In fact, it is statistically proven that suicide affects AT LEAST five people, if not more. In our case, your death has affected many more than that. It has left me alone and raising two children. It has left me missing my very best friend, the love of my life, and my husband. It has made our two year old little boy cry and question where you have gone and why he can't call or see you. It has left our almost four month old baby girl fatherless. It has left your friends in a state of mourning. It has broken the hearts of your father and siblings and that's unfortunately not all. It affected your siblings significant others. Your father's wife. It affected Cory and even Brittany. And it affected people like our mutual friends, Lindsey, Tahnya, and Aaron even more than your other friends, because they were left to pick up the pieces of my heart. They were left to make sure that our home was packed up, your car was fixed and running, and more than that they were left to ensure that I didn't choose to follow behind you.
Your suicide has left a Nathan shaped hole in at least 40 people's lives and unfortunately for me and our children, our Nathan shaped hole can neither be fixed nor healed regardless of where or to whom life takes us. We are surviving. We are moving forward. We are doing many things, but nevertheless we will forever grieve and miss you. That is our new normal.
I am of course glad that people do not know my pain. I don't wish this suffering on anyone. I do not want people to know what it is like to love someone so much that they are life and that without them you are left waiting for them so that you can start living again. They do not understand and I do not wish them to. However, this doesn't mean that because they don't understand my pain, that they can make a joke out of it or it's cause either. Nor does it mean that if they do make light of my pain or it's cause that I will allow it.
It's because of this that I have both easily and without second thought, begun removing people not only from my facebook, but from my life as a whole, people who don't understand why it's neither appropriate nor okay to make jokes or comments about suicide UNLESS you are making a legitimate plea for help. I guess if nothing else I have, after 30 years and this unspeakable tragedy, found my purpose. I will preach and harp and speak on suicide and mental illness for the rest of my days. I will scream about these things from the top of the rooftops and I will demand that people listen. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that people realize that suicide is real and that mental illness is wreaking havoc on people that we know and love. I will do whatever necessary to end the stigma and I will do it in your memory. I will do it, because if I can save even one person from the suffering that I and our sweet babies are now saddled with, then I will have done something good with your death.
I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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