I woke up this morning and just laid there staring at the ceiling. After a few moments I looked over at the wall beside the bed, the K wall, as I call it. It was your favorite wall in our home, second possibly to the cartoon of us that hung in the bedroom. I stared and stared at your pictures. I studied every inch of your face, I took in every detail of your smile and of the sparkle in your eyes and wondered how this could happen to someone who looked so happy. I wondered what or how I had missed something so big. There had to be signs right? If there were they went right over my head. I wondered how this could possibly be my life, had I really just celebrated my thirtieth birthday and made an offer on a house, and had I done both of those things without you? No, this had to be a dream, you were going to knock on the door at any moment, You were going to text me and apologize, tell me you were running late and had accidentally left without saying good bye and you'd see me tonight. This wasn't my life. This could not possibly be my life. I could not have spent the day with you on November 6 only to have everything turned upside down that same night. Life as I knew it could not possibly have ended at 8:04 pm on November 6, 2016. Nope. I was not a widow at thirty. I almost had myself convinced that I could pinch myself and wake up and everything would be back to normal. Almost, but that's the funny thing about almost convincing yourself of something, you never quite do.
Reality smacked me in the face, hard. You are still gone. I am still raising two kids alone. I am buying a house by myself. I am packing a bag to head to my sister's for the holidays and your clothes will not be folded and neatly packed beside mine. You won't complain about me making you put our two year old son in a suit and you won't get to see how beautiful our daughter looks in her Christmas dress or comment about how awesome the Christmas bow that Erin bought her is. I am still a widow at thirty and although I wish life as I knew and LOVED it had not changed at 8:04 PM on November 6, 2016, the harsh reality is that it did and it's something I have to remind myself each and every damn morning.
I don't want to spend Christmas without you. I don't want to spend the next 30 plus years without you. In high school, not only were you one of my best friends, you were my dream and then in adulthood you were my dream come true. I was blessed to have you, to hold you, and to love you. I was blessed to have you love and to teach and to play with Sawyer and I was blessed to watch you love and snuggle Aria, and I was blessed to watch you take great care of them both, even doing the things that weren't fun at all like changing diapers, giving baths to our son who screams like a banshee when his face gets wet, and so much more. You were an amazing, husband, father, and man. You went above and beyond not only to provide the essentials but the fun stuff too like our incredible trip to the zoo, the wild animal park, and sea world. You were what every girl should want in her life and you are the type of man I will pray that Aria-Lyn will find and that Sawyer Wayne will be.
God is good even though this doesn't feel good. He will bring blessings and goodness from the ashes. God is good even though this doesn't feel good. He will bring blessings and goodness from the ashes. God is good even though this doesn't feel good. He will bring blessings and goodness from the ashes. God is good even though this doesn't feel good. He will bring blessings and goodness from the ashes
That's what I keep repeating and reminding myself over and over and over and over again,
You would be happy to know that our sweet community is loving us in your absence and through our grief. We have been so blessed with not only donations, meals, and help packing and moving, but with Christmas presents. Everyone has gone above and beyond and the fact that they have done this has given me time to spend taking care of all the business that came with your passing and figuring out a new routine and what surviving looks like for me and our littles. My parents also gave Sawyer the track that you thought was so cool. He was so excited. I wish you were here to use it with him, you both would have so much fun. Also awesome is that a friend sent both kids, soft photo albums, I am going to fill them with pictures of each other them with you. A great way for them to remember you.
I spent my birthday with my Aunt Darlene, Gary, Tiffany and Derek, and Alyssa and Chris. They took me and the kids to dinner and were even sweet enough to get me gifts. We went up to your dad and Sue Ann's after that and celebrated Christmas with them early. They blessed us too. Your brother Caleb finished the bike you started for Sawyer. It's amazing, exactly what I think you were hoping it would be and just like you knew he would , he loves it. Absolutely loves it. He will tell anyone who will listen that his mommy, daddy Nathan, and Uncle Caleb built him that bike. He is so proud. I wish more than anything that you were here to see his genuine happiness and sparkle in his eye everytime he not only sees it but talks about it. This was not what I wanted for my birthday or my life and I admittedly have a Nathan shaped hole in my heart that aches terribly, but despite that, all of these amazing people brought my heart a bit of joy.
I went to a mom's group event today. You'd be happy about that and my heart needed that extra love. People that knew you were there and expressed their grief and love for you. That did my heart so good. I am so happy even in my sadness, that those that knew and loved you are still remembering you and will eventually share their memories of you with our sweet ones.
Outside of that I drew up two new tattoos. Both are done in your memory. One is a bass clef and treble clef on a staff. The treble will be teal and have your name and dates in it and the bass will be purple with your mom's name and dates. On the right is your Soldier of God symbol tattoo, I turned it into a semi colon using part of the bass clef. That part will be red, your favorite color. On the left will be a phrase from a letter that you wrote me and your signature, all in your handwriting. The phrase and the bass clef form a heart. It will go on my rib cage and I think you would be pleased with my design. I will save my other rib cage to eventually get something for our sweet babies. The other tattoo says Just Breathe, below that is an arrow, on the arrow is a semi colon, and beneath that says warrior. Every single part of that tattoo will be white EXCEPT for the semicolon which will either be red or purple and teal, I'm still debating. It will be on the inside of one of my forearm. That will be a good reminder for me when things get hard that you would want me to keep pressing on and that I CAN do this. You know this already because we had discussed it before, but the semicolon is used when an author could have decided to end their sentence, but chooses not to. It is used for suicide and mental health awareness, when used like that the person is the author and their life is the sentence. And the arrow. The arrow can only be shot by pulling it back. The idea is that when life is doing everything it can to drag you back with struggles, it will eventually launch you into greatness. I think you would love it. I am hoping to get the forearm tattoo with Tyler while I am in California. He has a semicolon tattoo and I believe you would think that was cool.
Gosh, I wish that neither of these were necessary. I wish I wasn't buying a home with social security. I would never get another tattoo again if it meant I could have you back. I would live in a box, if I could live with you. My heart hurts, but I am surviving and I think you'd be proud of that, at least for the moment.
I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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