This wasn't in my five year plan. Heck, it wasn't even in my thirty year plan. I was never supposed to live without you, in fact one of the first things I said after you asked me to marry you and spend my life with you, was that my one and only stipulation was that I get to die first. I was joking, of course, and we both laughed, but you agreed and there was a part of me that was completely serious. The story that I was writing had a fairy tale ending. We would die when we were old and grey and I'd either go first or we'd Notebook it up and go together. This story had everything, romance, adventure, excitement, and so much more. The trouble is that this story, our story, did not end the way I planned. The way I'd penned it. It ended sad and in tragedy, I suppose many best sellers often do. You were not supposed to die before our baby was even two months old and our toddler hadn't even started preschool. You were not supposed to leave me to figure out how to live life without you....to live life on my own, but you did. I don't think it was your intention to hurt us so badly. I don't think you thought we'd cry every night or that Sawyer would tell me at least once a day how much he misses you. I think in the moment you were stuck in a deep dark tunnel and you couldn't see a light at the end of it. I think you hurt and this was the only way you could see to end it. I don't know what your last thoughts were, but I don't think that they were pleasant and thusly I instead like to think of you in your last happy moments. I like to believe that in that moment you were thinking of us and your heart was filled with joy.
I find the idea of moving on, meeting someone new, appalling. Impossible. Intolerable. Revolting even. People tell me not to write it off just yet, but they just don't understand, I had my fairytale, it simply ended sooner than I would have liked. That said, I am beginning to find a path. That's the thing about grief, it causes you to question and reevaluate everything. I am continuing to go to school, my bereavement leave ends in January, I purchasing a house and should close in February. I am able to stay home with my children for the time being and I know I want to do something in the future to not only raise suicide awareness, but help other survivors. The trouble is that I have found a path but I have not found myself. She went with you and I am doubtful she has plans to return.
I saw Becky's parents today. I always enjoy my visits with them, I wish that they would have been able to meet you though. I think you would have loved them and I am sure they would have liked you. We talked a lot about you, about our life, and even about that night and I realized a lot of things I hadn't before. I realized that I have more peace than I thought. I realized I still can't be angry with you. I realized that in my sorrow I have been immensely blessed. I have realized that I am already seeing some good come from this. This isn't what I wanted. It still hurts. I have a hole in my life and I will always have grief, but I am glad that I can see more than just darkness.
Our life did not end up like they showed it in the brochure, I have lost you and I have lost myself. My fairytale ended in an ugly way, but that's okay, I have a path and I will write the rest of our story with only myself and my babies.
I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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