I think I could start each post with "Today was hard". I won't, but I could. It would be honest. They say that time heals, but I still hurt. I hurt the same as I did the night I lost you. It hasn't gotten easier, not even a little bit. Even if time does eventually ease the pain it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because in this current moment, in the present, it still hurts. It still haunts me. It hurts so intensely and is so alarmingly haunting and yet it is a feeling of emptiness. It is an ache so deep that I feel it within my very soul. I can feel it in every part of my body and even in the air around me. There is no escaping it, only learning to live with it. And I have learned to live with it, I've gotten good at going through the motions so that few people actually have to see my pain. My heart hurts within me, but I have not lost my ability to get up and survive for our children. I pack my grief neatly away in a box and leave it there until the sun goes down and I am alone in my bed, where I can cry in private. I neatly pack grief away in the morning and make an appointment with it for later in the night when I am alone and able to self care. Of course there are times when the box is unexpectedly turned upside down and the contents are spilled all over the ground and I struggle and scramble to force it back within it's box....contain it. For instance, turning in the keys to our rental today, the lid was ripped off and grief poured out It also found me at the bank when I finally changed the last name on my account. The gentleman asked how long ago I'd married, I said a year and he congratulated me. The grief almost consumed me and I didn't have the heart to tell him that you had died. It almost happened again when talking with a mortgage broker, fortunately, I felt the lid being removed and was able to quickly force it back down before anything fell out.
I met another suicide widow recently through a support group. She lost her husband and the father of her son two months before I lost you. She is young like I am. Her son is young like our children. It is a sad reason that has brought us together, but nevertheless I am thankful for Kayla because in talking to her, I feel at least slightly less alone. She understands in ways that most others do not. It is friendship like this and the ones that I share with Tahnya, Lindsey, Aaron and a few others that make surviving this possible for the moment. I wonder if they realize that? Probably not, but I am still thankful.
Speaking of the loan broker, I was pre-approved for a fairly significant loan amount. It is bittersweet, so very bittersweet. On the one hand, I am thankful that I will be able to have a place of my own, a place to raise our children, where they will be safe and loved. However, I can't help but feel as though this is a type of blood money. I know you would laugh and shake your head at me saying that, but it's how I feel. I can't help it, because the fact is that I wouldn't be able to buy a home if you were here. It's not that we didn't make enough money, we did, but your credit was terrible and not for any fault of your own. My credit is good, but I didn't make any money, so together there wasn't much that could be done. You had to die to make our dream of owning a home a reality and that makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe eventually we would have been able to do it together, but it sure wouldn't be now.
Kayla gave me a new perspective, though, she said to remind myself that YOU bought this home for our children. It wouldn't be possible without you, regardless of how it happened. You are making this home possible for our children. You are forever providing for our family whether in life or death and someday when our kids are older I will tell them that we have this house because of you, that you were such a hard worker, that you were able to buy this home for them and someday when they are older, if one of them wants this home I will give it to them and they will be able to make their own memories and raise their own family and know that it is only because of you that it is possible.
I am thankful for what you did and continue to do for our family, but if I am honest I would rather be destitute and forced to live in a box WITH you than to live in the nicest house WITHOUT you. I am lonely. It's a strange thing, being without you. When I am with people I want to be alone and when I am alone I want to be with people or maybe it's simply that my heart wants to be with you. I don't really know. It's like I told someone today while explaining this to them, I am in a lose/lose situation. I suppose the key is to do both in moderation. To spend time both with people and alone, it doesn't really matter because either way I am still without you and either way I am still lonely. In the moments that I am extra lonely I wear your cologne. It makes me feel close to you.
I miss you. I love you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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