One thing that I have realized since you died is that the media loves a widow. Seriously, ninety percent of the Christmas movies I've seen have had a widow or widower as a main character and the same goes for most of the sitcoms on television, particularly the ones that gain the most momentum and popularity with viewers. Don't believe me? Weeds: The mother, Nancy is a widow. Carol Brady? Widow. Rebecca in This is Us? A new widow. Shirley Partridge? Widow. Danny Tanner? Widower. DJ Tanner-Fuller? Widow. I could continue, but I will spare you as I am fairly sure that you get the picture. Grief sells. It captivates the audience. It is even more likely to grab the attention when it's a man or woman left without their love and finding their way through single parenthood. It's like a car crash, people can't look away. Grief and loss open the door for many good plot lines that will keep people watching. I get it, I liked a few of those shows when you were still alive. We watched the first season of Fuller house together, I watched This is Us when you were working late or on the weekends, and as a kid/teen I simply could not get enough Full house. Since you've been gone, however, this has changed. I tried to start the second season of Fuller house. I was actually pretty excited, and thought I would start by watching the first season again, just to refresh my memory. Within the first fifteen minutes of the first episode I watched a new widow laugh at jokes and even crack a few of her own. I watched her navigate parenting an infant and two older children with ease and even a touch of grace, help a friend's dog birth puppies, and do it all while looking not only put together but fashionable. She was in a word, impressive. Even her breakdown when she went upstairs to put her infant son to bed, which her family members heard via a baby monitor wasn't that severe. In fact, as a new widow myself, I would even go as far as saying that it was mild. It made me feel extremely insecure, I started to cry and I had to stop watching.
I am not up to par with the sitcom widow. I have not remarried a charming man with three of his own children nor do I have a desire to do so. I am not touring the country in a retro bus with musically inclined children in our very own family pop group, I am not providing a lavish life for our two children via drug dealing, and I am certainly not running my own veterinary clinic while wearing the latest designer fashions, taking kids to sports, and doing so without shedding a tear. No, I have shed many tears and I likely wouldn't be able to provide much at all for them if it weren't for social security. The social security we are blessed enough to receive because YOU were such a hard working, wonderful provider.
In regards to the sitcom widow, I am failing. I have not fallen in love, I have not found and succeeded in a new career OR succeeding in a career at all. I'd have to first have a career for that and I have not found my calling in volunteer work. The only thing I've done that some sitcom widows have done is move. I moved in with my parents and have put an offer in on a home. Otherwise, I feel as though you'd look at our life and see exactly the same one we had before you left me, except that tomorrow I will be older and all of us are a little sadder, particularly me....I am consumed in grief but learning how to hide that from those around me.
I can picture you rolling your eyes and saying TELEVISION IS NOT REAL. WHY ARE YOU COMPARING YOURSELF TO TELEVISION? STOP. You're right, obviously. TV is not real, if it were doctors would look like McDreamy and McSteamy. They don't or at least they do not in our small town, but despite the fact that they aren't real, these widows are doing something that I have not yet figured out how to do, they aren't just surviving, they are living. That is admirable. Very admirable. I am surviving but I still feel as though I am failing at widowhood, but then again, who wants to be successful at something so dang awful and besides, what exactly classifies as successful, who decides? Is there a chart or a rulebook for widowhood? I don't think so and if there is I haven't found it.
I think what I have to remind myself is that no one is actually doing widowhood and widowed parenting better than me, they are simply doing it differently and that is okay.
Unfortunately for me, unlike a sitcom widow, whom have a laugh track and clapping for what they should consider happy and/or funny moments, I live in reality. A reality in which my gaping wounds are continually re opened and deepened by each and every birthday, anniversary, and holiday that I am forced to not only acknowledge, but celebrate and celebrate WITH a smile, without you. I, unlike the sitcom widow am forced to live in a reality where I am sometimes so exhausted from both grief and responsibilities that come with being a single parent, that I can barely convince myself to get out of bed let alone get out of bed, go to the gym or put on makeup. No, I am not a sitcom widow, I am a real life young widow with children. I am a real widow whose life was shattered forcing me to figure out how to not only rebuild but to survive and the fact is that for now I must simply be okay with just surviving.
Maybe I will always be just surviving, but that's okay. Just surviving is okay because that is better than the grim alternative of not surviving. No, that is not an option. I must be okay with just surviving because that is all I can do, and I must do it because our children need me to. They deserve to have me survive. I am not a sitcom widow, but I am a widow who loved her husband more than words could possibly ever express and who misses him just as much.
As I say in every letter, I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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