Everything happens for a reason. There isn't a single statement that I think I hate more than this one. I hate that it implies that this was something that had to happen in order to see personal growth. I hate it and I wish that people would stop saying it. They mean well, I have found that to be true ninety five percent of the time, but it doesn't make that statement any less horrible. People don't mean to instigate emotional and psychological violence with those words. In fact I believe in most situations they are meaning them to bring comfort. The problem is that they imply that things can be fixed or that in the end you'll see that whatever it is had to happen in order for you to better yourself, but here's the thing, regardless of how they do or do not make someone feel, they are categorically untrue.
Why? The answer is simple, somethings can not be fixed, they can only be carried. For instance, losing you can not be fixed, I can only carry the pain, shoulder the burdens that come with the loss, and pray I can survive. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. In fact, if we are honest, we would admit that sometimes good doesn't come from the bad that happens in our world. No, sometimes it even destroys lives and unfortunately I think that sometimes that is due to the fact that we are very quick to replace grief with stupid platitudes that do nothing but hurt us more in the long run. Everything does not happen for a reason. We simply say that in hopes that having a reason or believing that there is one, will somehow make a sucky situation less sucky. Everything does not happen for a reason. There wasn't a reason for you to die. There wasn't a reason that I had to lose you or that our children must grow up fatherless. There was not a reason, no matter how badly we wish that there was. The truth of the situation is this: There was not a reason for it, God simply allowed it because we live in a fallen world and neither he nor his army of angels will impede on our free will. You made a choice and he let you make it and as is the case with all situations, it came with consequences. If there is growth in this situation, it will be because I, your kids, and/or your friends and other family, have chosen to respond to the horror that has been bestowed on us, in a way that allows for it.
There is no reason that I should have had to finish the Christmas shopping for our children, by myself, without you. There is no reason, it is just the reality of the situation and something that I am learning to live with, and in case you were wondering I did finish the shopping and I did it without shedding a tear. I think the tears will come later tonight. Maybe not. Maybe this will be the first night that I will be able to say that I have made it an entire day without any emotional break down.
Gosh, I understand the widowhood effect now. I've understood it since the moment that you died, but in writing the last two paragraphs I can say I understand it more deeply now. Very deeply.
Any home that I live in from now on will be my home rather than ours. I have things of yours that I don't know whether to keep or dispose of in case I need them later on, they are a remnants of a life that no longer exists and one that I had no intention of losing. I will take our kids to their first days of preschool by myself. I will cook dinner for three instead of four, and I will sleep in a bed with an empty space beside me for the rest of my days. I am two days and some hours away from being thirty and I am a widow.
Did you know that the widowed are two times more likely to end their lives within the first year of losing their spouse? This particular statistic goes up if they've lost them to suicide. Don't worry, I'm not suggesting that I might be having these thoughts. I'm not. Like I've said time and time again, our babies need at least one of us and obviously it has to be me. It's just a statistic that goes with the widowhood affect. Actually, statistics show that widow and widowers are actually more likely to die in car accidents, from heart attacks, cancer, etc.... I realize this sounds strange since these seem like random events, but again this is the widowhood effect. We have a twenty two percent higher risk of death than the married population. There are multiple studies that prove this. These statistics are higher in young widows, those that are in their 40s and 50s. Those that are widowed in their 30s like me? Well, we also are more prone to death than our married counterparts but not in a number that is statistically significant. I am not saying that it is insignificant. Not at all, it is simply that there are two few of us widowed in this age group to make a marginal difference. We do not make a measurable difference because their are too few of us.
We are too few and far between to be significant.
Seems fitting.....that's how I feel on a daily basis since I lost you.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe it won't.
Either way.....I love you. I miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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