Why did he do it? It's a question I've gotten from many people and one that I have asked myself time and time again.
I have talked to many survivors of suicide recently and most have said the same thing, they don't understand and they certainly didn't see it coming, my experience was no different. I knew of your past pain, I knew that sometimes you suffered depression and anxiety, but you assured me that it was nothing I had to be too terribly concerned about. We talked about the friend we lost over the summer to suicide and we agreed that we didn't understand it. We agreed that for us, nothing could ever be that bad. And not only that, most days you seemed happy and content in the life that we lead. In fact, you would tell anyone who would listen how much you loved me, how proud you were of our children, and how excited you were about our future. I knew what a strong man you were, a fighter. I knew what you had overcome in your past and so had anyone told me that this would happen, I would have laughed and shook my head. As far as I was concerned, you could have overcome anything and you would.
I have heard so many similar stories and I've realized the truth in the matter is that most people who commit suicide often seem to have it all. Like you, most who complete suicide have a loving spouse, a great job, and beautiful children to fill their home. They are always smiling and laughing and helping others. That's the trouble though isn't it? Our society has created such a stigma where depression and anxiety are concerned, that we have been taught that "it could always be worse" "This too shall pass" and "Fake it until you make it", but what happens when it doesn't pass and you just can't fake it anymore? Asking for help is a sign of weakness and admitting you might not be as okay as you appear could be an insult to your friends and family. It's bull if you ask me. We need to be a voice for these people. We need to let them know that they aren't alone and even more than that we must tell them that asking for help is NOT an insult or weakness.
Ugh. You told me once that the only opinions you cared about were God's, mine, and the kids. I hope you weren't silent in your suffering for my sake or for the sake of the children, because had we known what you were shouldering, we would have helped you carry it. We would have supported you and helped you. We would have loved you through anything, just like we continue loving you through our loss of you. You were our shining star. As far as we were concerned you hung the moon. You could do no wrong in the eyes of our children and in my eyes there was nothing that you could have done to make me stop loving you. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!
I feel so heavy and everything around me feels so empty. How can emptiness feel so heavy? It's one of life's greatest oxymorons. I am so sorry that you hurt so badly. I am so sorry that you felt this was your only way to save yourself from your pain. I am just sorry. The only thing that helps me now is knowing that you have the peace you so longed for, even if I now carry the hurt that was once yours because if this burden is the price I pay for the love we shared, it is a price I gladly pay.
We love you. We miss you. Forever.
Always,
Jess
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